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I'm not a professional, or a doctor, just a dad sharing his thoughts, ideas, and sense of humor...hang on we are going for a ride...again.

There are many definitions of dad, father, and parent that often are applied to us guys. We come from many backgrounds, professions, and walks of life. Some of us are traditional male parent role types. You know mom, dad, kids, dog and/or with a picket fence image comes to mind. Some of us are in other types of arrangements. We might be crammed into apartments, living with relatives or friends. Some of us are single dads, "custodial parent". Some others may be in partnerships, raising children together, and others are grandparents, fostercare givers, guardians, etc.

The bottom line is we are dad's by choice. Anyone can be a father right? The old biological nature of things can put us there for a multitude of reasons...let's not get into that right now (anyone who steps up in any of the other capacities is ready and willing and deserves our respect automatic). It is up to us to decide consciously or not whether or not we are going to be a dad. We have even more pressure when we face a disability in our child.

Something for the solo dads

How did I get on this subject...I'll tell you why. It was Sunday around here and the orders of the day for me were to take care of the compost heap of laundry I let go for the week, clean the toilets, dishwashing, and run the vacuum cleaner around after I picked up. Ah yes -the life of the single dad ("custodial parent") when my young Aspie is away to stay with his mother for a weekend. I go nuts looking for stuff to do. I am not the dating type...who has the patience for it? Not me brother it's complicated and scary. So, I set out on the business at hand to occupy my day. It's much safer.

So amidst all the action here I decide I need some lunch. I sure am not in the mood to cook anything... I have to dump the trash anyway down in the garage...So why not run to the local fast food place. Cheap and easy and suits the healthy eating choices I make when I am alone. You know these places, they are pretty much the same anywhere, you can drive up or go in depending on your hurry or whether you feel like being a social creature. They nearly all have similar rubber-coated Petri dish ( you know that thing they wipe the throat culture swab off in at the doctor's office to see if anything grows) like play areas for kids with things to climb on, buttons to push, knobs to turn, slides, and lots of noise and sticky stuff on the tables. Too much fun. It's one of the top ten most dreaded places for me to take my Aspie. Yikes! disaster potential is high. The only time it's remotely safe is in the middle of the afternoon during the work week. The kids are in school, the moms have taken their babies home for naps and no one is there. It doesn't do much to promote social skills, but it gets him out and let's him explore(or at least exposes him to any number of diseases, yuk).

I see other dad's there often. Some are with families including moms, but I see a lot of dads showing up solo with kids on the weekends. We are easy to spot, we are different than the other dad's that blow in with the kids in uniforms for sports. We are solitary types. The looks on the faces are the same across the room...at a glance we recognize we are birds of a feather in one way or another. There is no way in heck that we would ever strike up a conversation about it like the women might, but we know it... We are single dads. We could be having the kids for our visitation weekend. It does matter - I will not let that go...I personally -cannot imagine what it must be like to not have my son with me all the time. Knowing he is coming home... our home...and he and I are peas in a pod together. I know it must play head games on you dads that are out there left only with a weekend or a day or two here and there to try and be dad. It has to suck leaving them at the door. It has to really eat you up. Not all women are mom's either. Courts that side with women as a rule are getting fewer as time goes on, but I know some of deserved what you got and others of you got a raw deal. I can only say this: Stay there on those days you do get- for your little ones no matter how gruesome things get, look, or what problems you have dealing with your ex...those kids are counting on you to be there for them. Help them -help yourself. Know your position, stay above the table and be smart. Never let your grudge or anything else negative take away the fact that you are their dad. You are on this planet for them. If you are reading this than you are already in the path to seeing the light. Talk to someone in like circumstances, call the fathers resource center in your area and just talk even if you are anonymous about it..talk about it. Send me an email - or your story it helps...trust me I know. I deal with the "reverse-homewrecker" notion..like because I was the one who called for the divorce and demanded custody and a better deal for my son, I had somehow ruined his life...It took a long time to get past that one, and it hurt doing it. No matter what or how you got in this spot- you need to work through it for yourself. There can be great big walls built, and huge trenches and horrible thoughts around divorces and relationships ending, especially when there are kids involved. Fix it with the kids guys...be their dad.

Ok where was I...here we are I'm at the fast food mess. I like to go sit where I can watch when I am alone and have the time, without appearing to be some kind of creep, or child molester lurking about. So dads are there doing dad things. Some of them are sad sacks of despair you can see it, others are trying to cram two weeks of parenting into two days by being over corrective, some are oblivious drawing attention from mothers in the room who are quick to compensate and lend themselves to the child. Mothers are quick to spot the single dad..they scan for a ring, and then it's open season for speculation from there. (I know I am bashing women again right?...c'mon I am not..I am just telling it in the way men think so soak it up, take the insight and let's move on) I have felt the looks and the discomfort of not having the ring, the attachment to the symbol that I am not a weekend dad, as I had it put to me once..that one burned, I was instantly placed in a category. You can feel like a failure or a hero - it depends on how you are dealing with it all, your own circumstances and who knows what else. When you feel like a zero for not being the partner, or having one anymore, or feel like the one that got the boot, you can't let it affect your relationship with your children. Definitely not when you are with them. Especially not your Aspie children. You only get one real chance to prove yourself to an Aspie. When the kids are real young, you have a better chance of keeping it together, but when they are older if you missed your chance or let it go, or let them down, you are going to have to work real hard to keep them connected to you.

For all dads

So how do you deal with it? We are supposed to be tough. We are the ones who can show no emotion, or have a tantrum about crap that has gotten to us. We toil away at our jobs and take on over-time hours, we head for the garage, or the bar, or the cardboard box someplace...and get sad, angry or resentful, or drop out. We can shut people out, we reach out for the wrong people in all kinds of ways sometimes -forgetting who is really important to us and needs us as much if not more than we need them and we shove our feelings down our throat. Once in a while some of us loose it. Most of us just keep going the way we are trained to be from a young age and hold it in. We feel like a mess inside, however we would never show it to anyone. Even when things are not torn apart by divorce and we are facing a major issue we are quick to jump right into that cookie-cutter image of the real man...all sturdy and unbending, we can be the rock or we can fail. There is really no flexibility when it comes to us. I say we put ourselves in that role, that position if we do not challenge ourselves to be any different. It doesn't mean we are less of a man, or that owe will experience some catastrophic loss of testosterone or any of that nonsense if we open up. We need to lay everything out on the table, open honest, and frank about how we feel. Your life depends on it. Your children count on you to be straight with them about the facts, your wife, partner, whomever needs you to step up. The team is counting on you to do your part, you may not be able to hit it over the fence, but you can certainly field the ball right? I Know you can do this guys.

The times have changed. Long ago men were expected to hold the whole crowd together. We were the ones who were the bottom line of the organization or company called the family. We are now more than ever needing to stand up as an equal. Some women prefer the traditional role, of husbandly duties, and expectations. Man goes to work, mom handles the kids and kid responsibilities to a larger extent than the dad. If it works I guess you need to support her, and do your very best to live up to her expectations, and feel comfortable doing it. You are still going to have to open up. When you get the word..that dreaded announcement that your child is different, your child is Asperger's you have options as a man. You can freak out and search for every possible excuse that it is not real, or try to cover it up like a certain little reindeer's dad did (go watch that holiday favorite and take a hard look at the dad, and the mom, and see where you side, does he have issues with acceptance and nurturing/defending/advocating for their child? Now look at the other adult males in the story...how are they behaving, Then finally take a look at the peer group  -the other little reindeers, think your Aspie feels any of that pain or will in the future? Take a long hard look at the whole big picture of things in that nutshell. Now turn that view on yourself. Go on man -I dare you...ask yourself how do you feel. Are you ok with yourself, are you helping, or are you running/passing the buck off to mom, or trying to cover it up? Are you scared and acting stupid because you don't know what to do? Or are you opening your heart, holding that little reindeer closer too you knowing that this little soul is going to need even more of your dad magic to get through this journey you have placed in front of him by way of becoming a father? Are you applying all of your dad fix-it skills to helping that kid reach the stars, or something as simple as finding a way to communicate with her/him as a friend, and a trusted shelter of strength? why not it's what we are made of isn't it? So turn it on and get over the icky stuff...is it really that easy?

You and I both know it is probably the most difficult thing to stand face to face with the challenges of a disability in a child. We can feel threatened by it, nearly every possible horrible sounding thing can and does run through any guys mind at anytime when the reality hits. I have heard guys admit they felt like less of a man because their child has something wrong with them. You shouldn't be surprised to know that guys think this way due to all kinds of pressures at work, at school, in the locker room, values of their society/culture. We can feel let down because this child is not like the others either across the street or their brother's and sisters. We can want to deny that any of it is real. We can want to blame it on others, or something one of you two did before or during the pregnancy, we can feel like running. Wow...the list is huge. This is the real deal for many of us. These are all valid reasons for feeling horrible. They are also strong arguments for getting it out on the table and dealing with it.

 I was one of those guys that could swear that all the issues on the early childhood screening that showed my son was underdeveloped or delayed was due to some easily explainable circumstance. He liked to play by himself...well he didn't have any playmates in our building, and he was for the most part an only child with a much older half-sister, so... he was having issues with gross motor skills, you know running and jumping...well we lived in a 3 room apartment and had no back yard or steps to run around on, so what? They told us this stuff and more, I had answers for all of it and I recall the word "rail-roaded' coming into my mind. I was a fool. A skeptical fool. I was right to question, I was wrong to dismiss without doing my homework. I took a long time to come around to the truth of it all. I shut out my wife, I was clammed up at work, and when people would ask me "so..hows the boy?" I didn't know what to say. When I did come to my senses and had done my homework I knew I was going to be there for him no matter what. It was a great day for me when I stepped into the light. I found my way lit by a computer monitor filled with words written by others like me...parents of Asperger children. I found myself that day in as much as I found my child, and the truth.

You can do it too. The task is really very simple...sometimes painful, but not all that complicated: just do your dad thing, be Mr.. fix-it. I know you can fix nearly everything, or at least you sure know who to call, or where to take it to get it done right. It is the same thing here. Monsters under the bed are just training for this job of fixing. You are going to do it for your Aspie. We all feel helpless at some point or another, there is no "cure" for Asperger's It doesn't go away, you can't cut it off, or buy a new part or drop your child off for warranty service. You do get about a hundred books on how to operate your Aspie and yourself if you really go looking. I have placed a few recommendations on my site for you to start with. Take a shot. Work the solution, not the problem. Be strong, but be strong and tough in a realistic way. Talk about it. find common ground. Don't shove anyone aside that is close to you. Most of all, stop right now if you are feeling any pressure to conform to the rest of the reindeer culture, and have a good think so you can work out just where your priorities and loyalties rest. They are with your family/your Aspie right? I knew you would see the truths.

I will write more on this later. Stop back soon. Give me your feedback too...be the dad...the aspiedad.

*and I know- edit, spelling and grammar...

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